PartnerPerform Blog

I was just beginning to think I had seen it all. I was certain that there wasn’t a niche left uncovered in affiliate marketing. Then I logged into my ShareASale affiliate account to see what new merchants were joining my favorite network provider. Enter BioEden. If you’re not sitting down, grab a chair before you read on.

Bioeden, Inc. is proud to be the first company in the world to offer parents the opportunity to preserve potentially life-saving stem cells that would otherwise be thrown away.

In 2003, Dr. Songtao Shi, a pediatric dentist at the NIH, discovered that discarded baby teeth are an excellent new source of stem cells. Stem cell research is the most promising path to curing many severe diseases and disabling medical conditions. It may yield remedies for such conditions as Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s diseases, juvenile diabetes, spinal cord injury, MS, ALS, and certain forms of cancer and heart disease. At Bioeden, we believe that every parent should have the opportunity make sure that their children benefit from this promising research. We have provided a convenient and affordable solution to preserving your children’s tooth cells.

In short, BioEden is some sort of deranged, bizarro tooth fairy serving up commissions for baby teeth. Anyone else spooked here? While I’d like to keep this blog politic-free, I do have to disclaim that we have progressive ambitions here, and welcome progressive science in kind. But that doesn’t keep this blogger from being entirely creeped out right now.

For the affiliates reading this that remain interested, here are the facts:

$4 per lead
$100 per sale
180 day cookies
Phone tracking
Auto Deposit on

One other important detail to mention– BioEden does not pay its affiliates with standard checks or direct deposit. All commissions are paid after the 20th of the month, left under your pillow while you sleep. I leave you with a sample of their creative (this is 100% real, no joke):

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VCs are breathing down your neck to bring in more traffic. Your Media Metrix numbers are plunging because they “forgot” to include your biggest site in your consolidation. Customers are pissed because they aren’t getting enough exposure. Your sales staff is fuming because you don’t have enough impressions. Click Monkeys!!™ can solve all your problems!!!! Our off shore click farm can guarantee over 10 million new impressions per month and a million new unique visitors!! Click Here to read about our low cost traffic building programs!

ClickMonkeys sells a thousand page views per dollar– you just point them where you wish, they click away. ClickMonkeys is a Ukrainian company, yet located on a cargo ship in port in San Francisco, where they are not subject to U.S. law. So if your AdSense ads aren’t getting the clicks you desire, you can hire a team of monkeys to click around the clock until you’ve got a nice check from Google.

Yes, they are kidding– and anyone dumb enough should have their AdSense account banned immediately. Still, this makes for one hell of a joke. ClickMonkeys founder, Sidney Zwiebel, has founded some other obviously legit businesses like PetsForFood.

ClickMonkey’s whois tells another story, that of a man named Rick Sanchez, whose primary domain is BugEyedMonster.com, which… well… isn’t as funny as the other two. Still, thanks for the laugh Rick, give your monkeys a pet for the people at PartnerPerform.